I'm moving into existential evaluation mode from full out, balls to the wall, no holds barred grief mode. Grief is exhausting. Existential evaluation causes its own fatigue but I can get on with day-to-day activities, maybe even enjoy myself. Full out grief? Maybe later.
Here are some observations:
The age of the universe, as far as we know, is about 14 billion years and expected to continue on about as long; a total of about 28 billion years, give or take. We are therefore near the center of time. Amy lived for 42 years. If I stay healthy and avoid accidents I could make it to my late 80's. If I divide 42 by 28,000,000,000 it is 1.5E-09, or approximately zero . If I divide 89 by 28,000,000,000 it is 3.18E-09, or approximately zero. So by one measure 42 and 89 are about the same.
Of course if the universe keeps on expanding infinitely then the number is even more approximately zero.Either way, we are small numerators. Mostly it seems we spend most of our time not existing - at least in this present form.
I am made of atoms created in stars. The fusion reaction in stars and their destruction when they explode, create higher level elements above hydrogen and helium. Thus "I" am the specific collection of those particles, at least for the moment.
Since the atoms and atomic particles that are me (and you) are together for a fleeting time before being cast back to the stars, it seems a shame not to make the most of them while assembled as me (and you).
With the time I have, being approximately zero, waiting for the "right" time for anything seems absurd.
The construction of atoms we call a human, seems to create an amazing capacity for great emotions. Is this unique in the universe?
We fear loss, and fear it so greatly, that we deny love to govern, or avoid, a perceived, future pain.
But without love, we still feel pain. We at least feel the absence of love. At least I have in the past felt that absence.