Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In the Moment

I'm moving into existential evaluation mode from full out, balls to the wall, no holds barred grief mode. Grief is exhausting. Existential evaluation causes its own fatigue but I can get on with day-to-day activities, maybe even enjoy myself. Full out grief? Maybe later.

Here are some observations:

The age of the universe, as far as we know, is about 14 billion years and expected to continue on about as long; a total of about 28 billion years, give or take. We are therefore near the center of time. Amy lived for 42 years. If I stay healthy and avoid accidents I could make it to my late 80's. If I divide 42 by 28,000,000,000 it is 1.5E-09, or approximately zero . If I divide 89 by 28,000,000,000 it is 3.18E-09, or approximately zero. So by one measure 42 and 89 are about the same.

Of course if the universe keeps on expanding infinitely then the number is even more approximately zero.Either way, we are small numerators. Mostly it seems we spend most of our time not existing - at least in this present form.

I am made of atoms created in stars. The fusion reaction in stars and their destruction when they explode, create higher level elements above hydrogen and helium. Thus "I" am the specific collection of those particles, at least for the moment.

Since the atoms and atomic particles that are me (and you) are together for a fleeting time before being cast back to the stars, it seems a shame not to make the most of them while assembled as me (and you).

With the time I have, being approximately zero, waiting for the "right" time for anything seems absurd.

The construction of atoms we call a human, seems to create an amazing capacity for great emotions. Is this unique in the universe?

We fear loss, and fear it so greatly, that we deny love to govern, or avoid, a perceived, future pain.

But without love, we still feel pain. We at least feel the absence of love. At least I have in the past felt that absence.

Have you?


  1. Yes. The absence of parental love which is better now than years ago as I was growing up. They just paid more attention to themselves and their adult problems than to us children and our needs. That was painful. So I dedicate myself to my kids and doing fun things and just being there as much as possible and attending their special events and just being there everyday to pick them up from school. I at least had my grandmothers most times which was helpful but not the same.

    Another absence of love I feel today is the absence of neighborly, community love. I feel many in today's society do not know how to love thy neighbor anymore. No greetings by strangers, just glares. No welcoming of a new neighbor. I have lived in Maryland for 8 years now and in just the last few months have found a sense of true belonging and formed healthy true friendships. Its hard to find your place when you are new on the scene in a community that has lived here forever like where I am in the state. Where I hail from is a place of waving and kind, smiling greetings from strangers and neighborly love and friendship and acceptance. These two worlds for me are so different.

    Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on grief and love and pain from even the absence of love all of which can be very painful. I am sorry Amy isn't here to love you with her arms wrapped around you for your next 40 years. :( I hope it is of some comfort that your neighbors, friends and family still are here and we collectively wrap our arms around you.


    Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  2. Oh yes. But I don't feel it's abscence right now. I feel the abscence of his physical presence, but not the abscence of his love. I know that is still strong.
    Grief comes and goes - some days so strong I have trouble breathing, other days almost bearable.