Sunday, July 25, 2010

Where are You, God?

Lost and confused, I walked a winding path.
"Show yourself!" I demanded in anger, "I need to know you are here!"
I turned the corner and saw a rainbow. A perfect double rainbow from horizon to horizon.

"Nice try, but that is too fuckin' cliche. Is that all you got? You're nothin' but a one trick pony."

"Fuck you!"

And I continued, lost and scared, along the path.

I prayed. To whom? I wasn't sure.
"Courage, strength, guidance," I started. That was what I needed. Courage, strength, guidance. Over and over I spoke those words. It became my prayer. It became my mantra.

And then he appeared and took me firmly by the hand.
"Don't worry. I'll be around," he gently said.
Then turned to walk away. I squeezed his hand harder.
"Wait! You can't leave!" I said.
"Don't worry," he repeated, "I'll be around."

I reluctantly let go his hand. He turned, walked away and disappeared. My pulse quickened. I continued down the path, but now with increasing confidence and determination. Somewhere I missed a turn and lost my way. I fell to the ground in despair and cried. I looked up, wiped my tears away, and saw in front of me a great rainbow as beautiful as the first. I cried again, this time in joy.

"Is that you lord?" I cried out. Though I heard no response, I got up and raced forward. I passed through the rainbow to a beautiful land of meadows with wildflowers, groves of tall, strong oak, and cool, mountain spring fed streams. I lay down on my back with my arms out as if to embrace the heavens. I fell asleep and dreamed beautiful dreams of floating above the land, looking down and surveying its wonder. But when I awoke the wildflowers and trees and streams had vanished. In their place was a barren wasteland from horizon to horizon.

"Oh, Lord! Why have you forsaken me!" I screamed to the heavens and for all to hear. "You tricked me, you sonnofabitch. How dare you!" I collapsed to the parched earth. The sun beat down on me. My eyes burned and lips cracked.

"Where are you God," I whispered. "Where did you go? Why did you leave me?"

First one drop, then another. Then another. Then a steady rain. Then a downpour. The heavens opened quenching the thirsty, cracked earth. The coolness of the water stung my eyes. I rolled over and gulped down muddy water from a newly formed puddle. I looked up and saw a rainbow. A perfect horizon to horizon double rainbow.

I wept.
DeSales University - iPhone photo and AutoStitch


  1. God is there, John. He saved me yesterday. He is present. He must be present. Though I can completely understand your anger. They why must be torturous to live with. I think your double rainbow shot was beautiful and I hope you continue to find strength and hope and courage and guidance as you continue moving forward. Sending you a hug and I'm so glad I'm here to be able to read this and chat with you. xoxo

  2. Beautiful essay, John! A higher power (universe, mother earth, whatever) is all around us all the time. Hope your electricity is on!

  3. I feel the same way. ...and yes, the rainbows are so important. So very important...

  4. You are not alone. If you believe in God, if you believe God, He doesn't leave us bereft and without hope. He can handle your anger. He can guide you through this season, this time, for however long it takes. He will go the distance with you and beyond. I am wrapping prayers around your heart. Love, Myrna