Perhaps I am cursed, or afflicted might be the better word, by a god I don't believe in, to wander about from one conviction to another; an explorer trapped in my own imagination.
A friend of mine is strong in his conviction: God, in his perfection, created the Universe, sent his son, Jesus Christ, to establish a new covenant then die for our sins. God also created an Objective Moral code to guide humanity. It is our choice to act accordingly and to, hopefully, choose with our free will to act in accordance of that objective morality and move towards communion with God. That's what God wants. At least that is my naive understanding. It's pretty simple, really, and sometimes I get a little jealous of my friend and his conviction. I wish I could be sure about something.
I wonder if my parents had been Atheists if I would have gone through some spiritual rebellion in my 20s, moved away from their atheism, and then found God. Instead of the other way around. Or maybe its just the simple matter of what we think we know from science. The world isn't less than 10,000 years old, and we do share a common ancestor with other animals. How can I square that with a teaching that is based on a book ignorant of modern science? Something must yield and for now God is losing. Badly.
But then I wonder: So what? Does it even matter? What if God does exist and created everything just as it is, including the pesky evidence that suggests otherwise? What would really change? I'm still me and I still enjoy sunsets, rice and beans, and making love to my wife. I will experience it regardless of what is behind it all. Does that make me agnostic?
I'm not sure.