Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The Art of the Termination

Samples from the forthcoming self-help book:

Dear Fred,

I have received information that you were talking about me behind my back to a mutual friend. I can’t condone that type of betrayal and as a result I am terminating our friendship.

While I appreciate that you have not accused me of flirting with your wife on three separate occasions, nevertheless, I have concluded that you are no longer a friend.

It is essential that we go on with our lives and do not engage in friend activities. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

+++

Ms Jones,

I have received emails from colleagues that you are not effectively managing your department. As a result you are hereby terminated effective immediately.

While I appreciate that you have not accused me of sexually harassing you on three separate occasions, nevertheless, I have concluded you are not able to effectively lead your group.

It is essential that we find new leadership for your group and restore the trust of your team. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

+++

Son,

I have received information that you have been experimenting with drugs. As a result you are hereby grounded and have lost your cell phone privileges effective immediately.

While I have not been accused of doing drugs three separate times when I was your age, nevertheless, I am taking this action to send a message.

It is essential that you clean up your act, stop using drugs, and restore trust with your parents. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

+++

Dear Heather,

It has come to my attention that our marriage has become loveless and unfulfilling. As a result I am hereby filing for divorce.

While I appreciate that you have not accused me of having an affair with your younger sister on three separate occasions, nevertheless, I have concluded that it is best we go our own separate ways.

It is essential that we each to grow into our full humanity separate from one another. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

No comments:

Post a Comment